APEK INC.

Last year a time like this I was really struggling with sickness. My immune had worsened due to several anxiety attacks. I didn't know what was happening then. But I had allowed myself to carry a burden within me that I could not really know its worth. I had been attracted to someone and was not aware that I had let my heart stray not to be under control. When I realized it I hated myself but didn't take time to accept reality. I comforted myself with ideal scenarios like it was prone to happen.

I took some time telling myself how I was careless and how I should accept my foolishness. For a while I acted as though I was okay with everything and I would careless of any other thing around me. I never knew that this was a downslop to depression. I got myself into undefined depression which I could not share even with my roommate. I started having a terrible health but because I could not share with anybody what was happening with me I chose to die within but stay strong outward. 

For those who know me you can say I am outgoing. But at this point I hated anything that could cause me out of the house. I hated church, social interactions, work and greatest of all calls. I severally uninstalled and reinstalled social apps including WhatsApp. 

Because of my pretense to be fine, nobody knew I was suffering. 

Before I loose you, I was not really suffering from my self disappointment. I was suffering from low self esteem. A reflection of my life and the things that were happening to me made me stressed.

In several occasions, I resolved to suicide but in those moments, I could try to think of how far I have come and could comfort myself that I am able to face another day. For sure days slit one to another smoothly till today. 

My story may be common to many, my situation similar to most of us. But I have learnt that we each process things differently. Some of the things I face may seem so small to what some people face. Or may be bigger in other people's eyes. One thing I have come to accept is we are unique. 

I adopted the theme "Speaking Hearts" with an icon of "Love" because it is love that kept me when I was breaking. It is love that gave me purpose when I felt worthless. It is love that gave me hope in my dark nights. 

When all people could see is arrogance, temper and unreasoning person, love would whisper to me, "you know you have hurt them" and I could feel terrible about whatever I did. No harsh word I said that didn't haunt me. No unreasonable action I took that didn't call my conscious to remorse. I spent some nights crying over how I made some people feel. I ended up hating to speak with people.

As all this was happening three things were truly keeping me. And these are the things I am grateful they happened. 

First, leadership. I was at this time serving as a coordinator to nine universities. A great vision was entrusted upon my hands. So I could not jeopardize that with my condition. I procrastinated my decision till I have handed over not to mess up things. But nonetheless, I still made errors in my operations in that position. Somethings never happened as we're supposed to. 

Second, family. Being a first born, I have more to do as an example to my siblings. I loose hope then what? A call or text from my siblings and parents could each day call me to senses. I could see how much I needed to pull up myself to meet the dreams of my family. I had a group of close "friends" who whenever I shared with them what I was going through they could venture into fault finding pointing me to where I "lost" it and where "the rain started beating me. I never got a solution from them. Instead they became my reason to grow stronger and later get the courage to face them and tell them they were wrong.

Third, God. He was my everything. I can speak of all the above but His voice kept me going. His providence sustained me. I could just find myself saying, "my Lord shall give me a way to handle this. He shall provide an answer to that. He shall give me strength through this". For sure He did.

I share this story not as one who has achieved but one who has managed to find a reason to go through a moment in life that was hard to share. You might be going through the same and you find it hard to open up to anyone. You can not even speak it loud to yourself. You are not alone. There is hope. Just find those three things that can keep you going. Find something for a purpose. Pursue it. At some point you will find the strength to share. You will look back an pain will be just but a memory. You will feel as though it never happened. 

May be some day.